Great News! The Premier League have given us £1 million to play with.
They want us to use it to help the clubs to balance their books and stuff like that but I don't know why they need balanced books.
Surely they can just do that thing that African women do when they carry water back to their village... you know... where they balance it on there head. That would balance the books a bit.
I'm fed up of clubs who have fallen on hard times.
I was talking to Papa Blatter - I left a message on his Facebook page - and I told him that clubs who can't afford to buy caviar for when I visit should be deducted 10 points. I'm waiting for a response but he did throw a sheep at me!
I suggested that we pick and choose the teams that get the money. I remember a representative from Chester City came round the other day asking for a bit of help. We turned off all the lights, closed the blinds and pretended that we weren't in.... Hehehe.
The problem is, we seem to have misplaced the money. Joe told me that he put it in the Conference Party Fund but it isn't there anymore. We haven't got a clue where it is so we decided to go the Caribbean on an all-expenses paid trip to look for it.... I think it might be in Bermuda.
After looking in the sea and the private pool and down the top of a few exotic women, we thought we would see if it had been hidden in a bottle of rum. It hadn't. So we looked in another bottle just to be sure. It wasn't there either Now if you'll excuse me, I need to tidy up the poopy mess that was made by... er.... my cat.